I've been casually chatting about my yoga journey. Taking some pics, making a few home made videos, snap chatting and instagramin' and all that ish and today I spent 3 hours editing a 1 min 30 sec video down to 23 seconds! WTF?! I don't even know how or why but the longer it took, the more important it was to nail it and by that, I simply mean finish the task, not start hiring my services out or anything. Perhaps it started with my public declaration on instasnap (new Instagram chat - ooh controversial) this morning that I was going to nail Crow pose!
Ok, so back to this video. Every which way I turned there was an issue or some drama from the get go even importing it into iMovie. How hard can that be? I went from google to youtube to boyfriend and so it continued. Now the worst thing about this, wasn't the amount of time I'd "wasted" on making the video, it was how the technical obstacles turned into big frustrations and made me feel like shit.
I don't know where it has come from, but lately, if it takes me a while to get something, something that should seemingly be quite simple, I have started to get really frustrated to the point of wanting to quit. I don't, but neither of these two things sits well with me. And In order to not turn into a 2-year-old that throws herself on the floor and resumes that rigid ridiculously strong position when anyone tries to come to my aid, I suppress the feeling, try to act normal and have got better at accepting help. Funnily enough suppressing the feeling has revealed itself to be equally as shit as feeling like you want to give up though.
How does any of this relate to my yoga journey? Well, I went to one of my favourite teachers class today, so I knew I would be leaving feeling rejuvenated. Sadly, during class I didn't nail Crow pose, Crow pose nailed me along with some other moves too and whilst I was on the mat I could feel the child inside of me rearing its emotional, no-words-to-explain-this-feeling head and I began to feel stupid and weak. But... I'm not an inexperienced two-year-old, I know that I'm not stupid and I'm certainly not weak, however there is something about showing up at yoga and I don't mean just taking myself there but being in the zone, using my body and feeling it naturally warm up and buzz with energy from simply moving and breathing into it, trying to fine tune my ear to my body and follow instruction and push myself into that equal effort and grace zone, that I guess I feel most vulnerable and strong at the same time and it's the vulnerable bit I need to deal with so that I can tame my frustrations with my personal limitations and keep it moving.
I came home after yoga and lay in the garden on my mat. I ticked off all the things I was thankful for and had a word with myself. I got off my arse and set my body for Crow pose,
I rocked forward and back transferring the weight into parts of my feet and then hands whilst lifting my hips (not my butt) in the air, gazing forward not down. Slowly I peeled one foot off the floor and then the other and pushed my hands into the ground. It might have been only been for 3 seconds, but right now that's all I've got and I'm bragging about that shit all day long.
Making that blasted video today was frustrating as hell and some days aspects of yoga are kinda the same. I'm making peace with time and frustration and feelings aside I learnt and reminded myself of some home truths today on and off the mat:
You have to revisit something if you want to remember how to do it
Practice, will help you get better
Patience will get you further than you think
Time spent learning is never wasted
Not trying would be a waste
Small victories feel fucking massive after putting in more time than you first anticipated
So instead of giving myself such a hard time, I'm gonna big up my banging body for coping with me and my lifestyle.
Oh and in case you're wondering, here's what 3 hours of my hard work looks like, here's the Cat Cow video. Anyone would think I shot this in 1991. Final lesson of today; No more recording on my iPhone- lol.
I can't be alone with my frustrations, can I? Reveal yourself, please.